What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
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I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
🍛
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”