doing your own taxes
You Might Also Like
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My work here is don’t.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.