When I grow up, I want to be 16
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I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Is anyone gonna tell them?
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
The answer is funnier than the question
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.