Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
You Might Also Like
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Social distancing in Australia:
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.