Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
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going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.