[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
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This made me chuckle cuz mood
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
May never get over this
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
mood
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
A game married people play.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma