[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
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I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Every BBC series about the universe.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Dolls on drugs
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.