Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
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Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
#ProTip
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.