Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
You Might Also Like
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning