Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
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me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
You can’t rush stupid.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!