Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
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No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Waiting for the Charmin
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.