BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
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I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Well, that should do it
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!