BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
You Might Also Like
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.