BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
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Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
what does he know…
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.