Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
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friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Woke up with morning Yule Log
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.