In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
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You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull