Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
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Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Had a spot of bother earlier.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business