I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
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Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I enjoy a good short stor
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.