There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
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-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Life with a cat in one tweet
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Is this you?
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
*orders delivery*
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.