Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
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I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Get in loser we’re going crying
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I’ve had worse
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Life with a cat in one tweet
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce