Wait a minute
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
dogs can find happiness so easily
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.