The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
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I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.