best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
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My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Sounds like a bargain
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
It do be feeling this way.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
buys donuts instead
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”