Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
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We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.