If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
You Might Also Like
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
the simulation is moving too fast
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
thanksgiving in nutshell
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos