I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
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if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian