best review i’ve ever seen
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Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again