best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
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“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
mom had nothing to worry about
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐