@pleatedjeans: Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn't want to see 3 lava lamps
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@BYGH: My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
@Shanehasabeard: Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
@cray_at_home_ma: Me, to all my kids before the age of 2. "No screens allowed." On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad. "This is your mother now."