@pleatedjeans: Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn't want to see 3 lava lamps
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@blainecapatch: whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he's taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
@abhorrent_wife: I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn't remember the term "all caps".
@DurtMcHurtt: Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash* McDonald's employee: [nervously assuring me] it's all there I swear.