Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
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Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Encore…
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
what is cheese if not milk persevering
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.