[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
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I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Möther may I have a snäck
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Ok, but like, how married are you?
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!