[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
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Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
What about a To-Don’t List?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Not all heroes wear capes.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.