The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
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Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
me
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.