“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
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*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.