“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
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I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
marvel comics have peaked
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂