Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
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Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then