Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
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It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.