@MartaEffing: Between bank balances, my weight and age, math makes me more emotional than I ever thought possible.
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@realHamOnWry: Cat: What are you doing? Me: Reloading my bong Cat: You really need it? Me: I know my limits, why? Cat: You know cats can't talk, right?
@OctopusCaveman: When you have children, sometimes you see a glimmer of your personality shine in them, and in that moment you know why your mom drank.
@leannuh_renay: Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me. Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend. Wow you’re fast.
@RocketRankoon: You've won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you'll be a transgender time traveler.