i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
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Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
This is me 🤣🤣
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Spring of Deception
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!