@trevso_electric: Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
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@ilovepie84: Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy "You're Wife Sarah says hello".
@KKAlThani: A cop stopped me & asked "do you know why I followed you" so I said "cause my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in jail.
@TheDailySchmuck: 1995: one day the Internet will allow all people access to the full breadth of human knowledge. 2016: *watching cat videos*
@oakhillbargrill: Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet? Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes? Wife: What? Me: What? Communication is hard