Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
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Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
😂💯
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.