Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
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Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
new record!
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.