@chrisdowning: Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
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@Darlainky: I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So...pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
@Black__Elvis: I accidentally shot my girlfriend on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.
@Playing_Dad: [3am] *nudges wife* No way the old guy blew up all those balloons in Up in 1 night. Honey, you awake? I mean he's like a million years old.
@OctopusCaveman: [2 men standing in an empty basement together] Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”