bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
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media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Every time my phone rings
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Just say no
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest