BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
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He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Goodnight 🐶
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!