me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
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Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
black phone good
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Those are good neighbors.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.