Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
You Might Also Like
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Bill Nye is short for William New Yearâs Eve
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? ⥠Y ⥠N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? ⥠Y ⥠N
Mom: why arenât you and your âfriendâ close anymore?
Me:
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. đ
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
âand how does that make you feel?â
Me: ooh baby do you know what thatâs worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks likeâŚ
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I canât wait to show them the routine Iâve worked so hard on
Digital security in Ancient Troy
When I was growing up, âDeadpoolâ was just what we called our neighborsâ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.