[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
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Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.