why would tinder want me to say this
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Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.