“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
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Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
😎 🍻
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre