Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
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Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
May never get over this
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.