I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
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Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR