Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
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CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!