Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
You Might Also Like
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.